Day 365

I have kept my word. I have taken care of myself, my family including dogs, kept my bills paid, house and yard neat, watched the neighborhood, volunteered in the community, and participated in local politics. It felt like time flew and was sluggish at the same time. Some days 82 words were too many, some days not enough. Such is life. A new year begins tomorrow and I hope for another successful life experience. The new blog will simply be Eighty-three Words.

Day 364

Two freezing walks yesterday but I was out! It is especially important after senior center duty to get fresh air and exercise. I replaced the light over the stove top, bought lettuce seeds. I am rushing spring. Have onion sets in the pot. Today Megan will join my bank account and have her name on my checks. Another business taken care of and my tax papers will be ready for her to take to the office. Slick. I don’t like unfinished business.

Day 363

A week at home is too long. I get comfortable doing nothing. I need at least a couple of duties to get cleaned up and out of the house. Had a long talk with neighbor Cerise about Gene and Carol who agreed that the family needs to step up. It’s not friends who make plans, it’s family. They are on their last days and need care more than casseroles. One more freezing day. The new growth on the lemon trees is burned.

Day 362

Karen’s massage was wonderful. She zeroed in on my left wing and took care of the spasms. She says it’s connected to my neck problems. Two walks yesterday bundled up. Today I’ll trim shrubs especially the lavender that is getting out of control. I talked to a police officer about Gene’s driving and he told me to call CHP and report his impairment. I’m torn. Don’t want to be the bad guy but also don’t want to regret if something unfortunate happens.

Dear Bruce,

I miss you. As an adult I could have used your presence and the friendship we had as children. Of course, we didn’t have any choice of friends with the gypsy living, the abuse and the neglect. So many moves and strange places like hotels and dismal apartments. I remember you got in trouble in Salt Lake City calling Mrs. Bargare a Nazi. That was the place where we had to share the bathroom with others and it smelled bad all the time. We slept in the bunkbeds in the dining room and the parents had walls around their bed. We played in the snow. We filled buckets with snow and made a fort. I had to stay upstairs with Clayton McArthur’s mom when mom went to work at Remington. We had a game with salt shakers in the Girard st. house when we put thread through the holes and dropped them over the railing from our part of the house. You and father got in a fight and broke my tea set. Lots of yelling. Then there was Eureka. We slept in the bunkbeds in a back porch at the Harris and F st. house and walked to Lincoln school. That was when my myopia was discovered by a school screening and our green teeth finally got attention. We went to 12 schools by the time we went to Junior High from the 6^th st. house. We stayed tight until we were married and then the rift became an abyss between our parents and your wife. You took her side and I know it was based on the abuse and neglect. I missed you so much and there was no way to find you again. The years simply made the divide permanent. When mom married Fred and you wouldn’t come to her wedding, she made it so clear that I was not the chosen one. She tried to get you back and I know father missed you too but he stayed loyal to mom and wouldn’t see you alone. She sent me a couple times and that didn’t work either. I don’t even know if you are alive. I did sent notice when mom died but that didn’t start any communication. I hope you had a happy life and were a good father to your daughters. I wish I could have known them.

                                        Your sister,

                                        Sharon

Day 361

My horoscope said wander and ramble so I wrote about the childhood moving. I’m feeling the need to record history. I have written other family letters. Must be because my birthday is coming up fast. Today is cold again and I will bundle up to walk to Karen’s for a massage. I will take greens and lemons to her. Hope the freeze didn’t harm my garden too badly. There is new growth and buds all over that could burn in the cold.

My Father worked for Fire Companies Adjustment Bureau and opened new offices for them. When connections were established he would get a new assignment. I was born in Vallejo California in 1935 and my birth certificate identified me as Shirley Jean Simon. We lived in Alameda before I had memory. I went to kindergarten at Mount Rose school in Reno, Nevada at age 4. We lived in a cute log cabin house.  First grade was at St. Thomas Aquinas when we lived on St. Lawrence street. The nuns questioned my age as I was 5 years old. I remember three houses in Reno. Each one a bit nicer than the previous one. We moved to Missoula, Montana, lived in the Semlo Hotel and ate most meals in a Chinese restaurant. Then came a sleazy apartment and I remember sitting on my knees in at a kitchen table learning to write Sharon. I don’t know why they changed my name. Then we lived in a little house where I had Rocky Mountain spotted fever from a  tick bite. Later we lived on Hilda street in a very nice house. There was a park across the street and we went to Paxton school for second grade and a bit of third. I remember getting dressed for the snowy walk and then undressing the snow clothes at school. The coat room smelled like wet rubber boots. Seemed to me that we spent a lot of time getting in and out of snow suits, boots, and gloves. Off to Salt Lake City where we lived in a variety of weird places and went to at least three difference schools. One house was a two room apartment in an old Victorian in the Sugar House district where we shared a bathroom with neighbors. It always smelled bad.  It had an ice box and it smelled too. Mother went to work at Remington small arms and we were left alone a lot. We moved to Girard street that had a hill great for sleds and went to Washington school. We had air raid drills there. I was in fourth grade for a short time. We moved to San Francisco and lived in a hotel for three months. We didn’t go to school. Finally ended up in Eureka where we lived at the Inn and I went to the last two weeks of the fourth grade at Jefferson school. We found a house at Harris and F Sts. and we walked to Lincoln school and that was the twelfth school . Then we moved to 6^th and P sts. and my brother went to Jr. High. I wanted to stay at Lincoln which required quite a complicated bus ride but I did it. My father was told to go to Phoenix  and my mother said no more moving. They fired him and he opened his own adjusting office. I rode my bike to Jr. High. We moved three more times before I graduated from High School. At 19 I was married and lived for 7 years in Scotia before living in Campton Heights in Fortuna. My brother Bruce and I were always close as most of the time we only had each other for company. We were neglected children. Our dental problems were discovered in a school screening at Lincoln school and my myopia was discovered there in the sixth grade. When he married, he was gone. He didn’t participate in the family any longer. In 1967 I remarried and moved my kids to Klamath, then to Crescent City in 1970. In 1976 I bought this house and have lived here for more than half my life.

How did all this affect my growing up? I learned not to prize material things because Father was going to throw them away before the next move. I had no social skills and didn’t have a clue how to fit in to all the new school situations. I was a wallpaper child leaning up against the wall and watching how people did things. I was more comfortable in class but recess and lunch time were miserable.  It made me a very aware teacher later and I made a point of making new kids comfortable. I never participated in games, sports or physical activities. I didn’t even jump rope. Most of what I know I learned from observing others. Marjorie was my first friend and I learned a lot from her about what that means. She shared her family with me and I learned about Grandmas from her dear Granny. Father used to say that all the moving made us resilient. Looking back I think it was child abuse.

Day 360

I’m thinking of writing about my childhood perigrinations. It was almost a gypsy lifestyle and one that shaped a lot of my behaviors. I did get out briefly yesterday. Walked in Safeway in sun and walked home in hail and wind. Felt good to get out of the comfort zone. Today I may get my routine in force again. The PT exercises have languished and it shows in my joints and muscles. At my age, consistency is what will keep me going.

Day 359

Dreary cold wet morning and I’m feeling dreary cold and uncomfortable. My body is aching and my energy is low. I’m not planning on church or walking or anything other than curling up. I have goodies in the refrigerator and am thankful for getting the shopping and errands done yesterday. It’s okay to have a planned non-productive day once in a while. The work ethic can have a day off too. I am not writing or doodling or haikuing or anything creative.

Day 358

I do not like cold weather. The worst is yet to come with a hard freeze warning in place. I’ll throw sheets over the lemon trees and the kale patch in hopes of keeping them safe. Yesterday was resting time. I was tired from the busy week. Every now and then I have to remember my age whether I want to or not. Today is farm-stand. Megan has to work so I’ll go alone for bok choy, cabbage, salad greens and squash.

Day 357

Cold and getting colder. It was difficult to get out from under the down comforter and run to the heater. I’ll take fog over clear and freezing. I read the letter to Father to the story people and had interesting comments. It was a risk to reveal so much. The conversation turned to family secrets and pursuing genealogy as way to uncover the unknown relatives. I’ve thought about that and never get started. Is that an old taboo too? Don’t ask questions?  

Day 356

I enjoyed spending the afternoon with Rosalie. After a veggie burger, we sat at the beach and talked. She and I met at the Klamath stand with the Yuroks and became friends instantly. My doctor appointment was cancelled for today. I’m disappointed as I want to know my A1C and EKG test results. Now I have to wait until March 2. Today is tea and story group. I asked Carol’s daughter to come and meet them before she goes back to Seattle.

Day 355

Yesterday had ups and downs. The good parts were connecting with Carol’s daughter Angela and getting picked crab to share with Hollie along with the lemons that were also a gift. Dr. E. says my eyes are stable and there is surgery for the floaters if I choose to do it. The BOS was interesting but not newsworthy. Charter raised the bill after taking off my favorite channels. Greedy pigs. I made creamed corn chili cornbread to share. Some get, some give.

Dear Father,

I never called you Daddy or Pappy. You were Father with a capital F. You were movie star handsome and dressed well with your suits and fedoras. You were a formal figure to me even in your fishing clothes. I always felt that you were unapproachable. I do remember the car trips when I was sixteen and I drove while you napped or looked out the window. Then we would stop for your business and you would buy me a candy bar and a magazine and that meant a lot, it was personal attention and I realized it stood for a caring gesture. I drove us to Crescent City where you had work at Roy Deo’s agency. Hazel said, I’ve heard about his son. Didn’t know he had a daughter. At sixteen that was a blow. You often brought me a candy bar when you had been gone on a trip or stopped by to see me in Scotia. You liked checking on the boys and getting them toys like the cars and the swing set.  I loved your gardening. The Campton Heights house could have graced a gardening magazine. The fuchsias and begonias were amazing. I can picture you standing and enjoying the plants with your cigar going. At the H street house, we would work in the yard. You would set me a task of weeding and then take a nap. You took a lot of naps. I didn’t enjoy your need for speed with your racing boats and sports cars.  You were so good with my sons giving them time and attention. Not so with my daughter and I resented that. I know that when mom and I would be chattering you were excluded.  If I paid attention to you, she would be angry with me and say I chose you over her. She would pout. I know you were embarrassed by her on too many of her cringing occasions. I didn’t want to be her surrogate for the life she didn’t lead but it took me years of therapy to understand that dynamic and get free. I wish I had known you more. I remember asking you questions about your young days and ran into so many secrets. I never knew about your mother, your sisters or your other brother or why your father was sent away from Long Island. So many secrets. Mom used to say that you would hide in the closet when people came over. I know that you had a lot of trips to the bathroom with anxiety runs that you would explain away as a need to relax. You certainly did know how to do that when you lived in El Verano.  I loved your poetry. It explained a lot about your silences and your sensitivity to people and noise. You didn’t like me to play the piano when you were home. The K street house was small for the piano. I like thinking about the cabin at King Salmon. I think that was your most authentic self with casual clothes, your little boat, and fishing. It was a hideaway with no phone or neighbors. We had fun there. I remember walking there through flooded roads carrying food and stuff we needed for the weekend. Lots of entertaining there too. Fishing and gardening were your way of finding peace. It was probably the only time you were content. There with your nasty little dog. I resented Heidi and her snarling if I wanted to sit by you. You never corrected her so I moved. You took food off my plate to give to the dog. Once in Fisherman’s Wharf, once in Klamath. What was that for? She deserved the good stuff more than me? Then she was sick from the rich people food and what did you do? Bring her to me to cure her and I did. When I gave her back to you she was well, hair regrown, good disposition and you went right back to your ways and she died. I’m sorry that we didn’t ever get to know each other. I tried to figure out what I could do for your approval. Finally gave up when I knew I would never be enough. I know I was a disappointment with my marriages and you never acknowledged my college graduation. . I wanted to please you and never did. I wanted to go fishing with you and got seasick. You were impatient with me when you had to take me to the beach and practically dump me out of the boat. Then I would try again. And fail again.

                                        Your daughter,

                                                  Sharon

Day 354

Tired. The Dem committee meeting was so full of information that my mind wouldn’t shut up and let me sleep. There is so much to learn and I want to know how I can reasonably expect to participate. I can write letters. Meanwhile, my life goes on routinely. Today I will attend the BOS. Later, I have an appointment for an eye exam. I like my political involvement and want to be part of the process. I’ll immerse the orchids first thing.

Day 353

Day 353

I began Sunday with a walk to Karen’s with a bag of greens. Bless the chard and kale for its long life. The rain started just as I came home. Aside from a sore spot on my back from too much squatting in the yard, I’m staying well in spite of the bugs going around. Knock on wood. Megan is doing much better but the hives are still there between the medication times. Monday will start with a blood test for A1C.

Day 352

I bought a tablet yesterday so I would have a larger screen than my phone. I will use it for facebook as the keyboard is also a nice size. Another tech addition to my life and I can play with it. Today Carol’s daughter arrives to see what she can do.. I’m going to mention the legal possibility if they should have a problem and the family knew he was impaired. It is a sad situation and tough decisions are coming soon.

Day 351

Yesterday was errands and shopping. I made contact with Carol’s daughter and expressed my concerns strongly. She will be here tomorrow to see what she can do for them. It’s time for serious decisions. Today I’ll dash out to the farm stand. I enjoy my farmers’ and their produce. Since my food plan is all about vegetables, I get the freshest ones in town. Megan recovered fast and shared my chicken yesterday. She is a star. I’ll be outside a lot today.

Day 350

Megan was sick with hives and heaves. She took herself to the emergency room where she received treatment with steroid shots and prednisone pills. Danny brought her home and I took him to retrieve her car. She is still itchy but keeping food where it belongs. My daily walk was late happening but I did get outside. This beautiful weather won’t last and I want to enjoy every minute. I wrote a politically neutral post about public meetings and the cannabis issue.

Never doubt life force
Roots push upward to the sun
Achieves its promise

Day 349

After a fuzzy start the day improved. When I push myself out the door I know I’m going to be alright. The pizza party at the center was crowded and noisy. I ate pizza which is contraindicated on my food plan. This morning I can feel the effects of wheat and cheese. My body likes the protein and veg meals. I’ll get out early and then clean up for senior center duty. Later I can finish clearing the space under my window.

Gift from Grandcestors

Every atom crafted fresh

Distilled from ages past

Day 348

 

My old hippie friend.

Funny kind accepting with love

Makes smiles and gives hugs

Yesterday was weird. I forgot my appointment with Sarah. It was not on my calendar. None of my stated meetings were there. I had put them in March. Why didn’t my mind remind me? I forgot that today is the center volunteer pizza party until Tracy called and asked if I was coming. Time gets away from me. I woke up at 4 am worrying about what else I was missing! Writing notes and pasting them on my forehead may be necessary.

Day 347

My creaky back is going to walk to Dr. Cole this morning. Those gardening accidents don’t keep me from squatting and pulling weeds. I enjoy clearing out weeds and old dry growth. This weather agrees with my need to be outside and doing. Lots of connections yesterday and plans for future get-togethers. I like my wide acquaintances and look for more to become close friends. I’ll be on the lookout for more photos to add here. I won’t write a haiku today.

Day 346

Church was Morning Prayer and that’s not my connection but the people are the reason for going. I believe the Holy Spirit is female and Christian’s name for the Goddess. My Episcopagan is showing! Nature is budding and blooming all over the place and my word buds are coming back to life. Maybe I can write again. The haiku are a place to start getting the brain cells alert. I’ll get out early. When the sun shows up, I’m out the door.

Grandmother redwood

Years of growing tall and strong

Enduring life's storms

Day 345

Church for sure. Missed two Sundays due to slow starts for the day. I’m up and going this morning. Yesterday was warm and I cleaned the front north corner and filled the green bin. Hollie came and Megan joined us. We had excellent conversation and caught up with each other. Hollie looks pink and healthy although she is still weak. Megan is deep into income tax season and enjoys the busyness. Today I want to be outside. I’ll find new walking places.

Lay stone upon stone

Artfully balanced placement

Building inner sstrenght

Day 344

Yesterday I found orchid stakes and am hoping the plants perform with color. I love them but want more than leaves and air roots. Had two long walks and  socializing. That’s my favorite part even if it’s just a remark over the bananas with a stranger. The food plan is satisfying. Vegetables and protein, no nibbles and no hunger. The blood test will show a lower A1C for sure. Today I will finish filling the green bin. Weeds are easy to pull.

Senior prom relic

Pink silk rose layers of tulle

Princess for a night

Day 343

As usual the bright spot in the week was tea and stories. I value the connections with these women for their honesty and creativity. Carol brought haiku she wrote from a photo taken at the beach. They were noteworthy and started us all thinking in syllables! My walk was social and that makes my day. Stopped at Eileen’s and she cleaned my rings as we talked dogs, orchids, and life. Another valuable connection. That is what is most important at this moment.

Dancing in the wind
Heads bobbing to unheard songs
Yellow faces shine

Day 342

Warm February. I’ll get an early walk so I won’t be so restless while at the senior center. A quick trip with the vacuum and I’ll be ready for tea and stories. All set up for another tip-top day. I enjoy my social walking with frequent stops for conversation and I do errands and small purchases as part of the fun. Hollie is doing well with her recovery. She had pink cheeks and was full of plans. Good omens for her health.

Blooms make my eyes smile
Harbingers of welcome spring
Pink banishes gloom