Day 35

Yes, the band sang the song. It was a fine rendition and they said they would add it to their repertoire. Our story group celebrated our first anniversary with gluten-free cookies that Laurie made. We all missed Carol. Our group is close and the sharing is authentic. It is a safe place for deeply exploring memories and finding that our souls have much in common. All the books and other items that have collected dust are going to the Brookings library. Out.

Day 34

The boys are buddies now. Jake and Butters on guard.

The aging group was deeply thoughtful with authentic memories of the highs and lows of our histories. I find topics for writing parts of my life that I hadn’t thought about. Today is senior center duty and I’m taking an old song to ask the Boondock Band to play if they can. It’s one that Hollis sang to the kids. Later, story/writing group. I have a bunch of odds and ends to offer. Hope some of the stuff goes home with them.

Day 33

Morning came early, 4:15, when Della walked on my head and demanded to go out. I put her on the floor but she was lost and the other dogs joined up. Yesterday the BOS was 3 ½ hours long. The Dems presentation was done well. The BOS consists of three adults and two fourth graders who are well-known for whining and saying Me Me. Today is conscious aging group and we begin the life review. It’s a perfect lead-in to story writing/telling. 

Day 32

Yesterday improved as it went along. Did PT exercises and they help with the leg pain. I enjoyed the center and lots of chats and hugs. Today I’ll get the orchids watered and the laundry done before the board of supervisors meeting. People will show up for the discussion about the county’s response to questions about ACA. Then an afternoon to pull weeds and enjoy the yard. The lettuce is growing, tulips blooming, and new green leaves pop on the lilac.

Day 31

Three flat days are over and it’s time to get moving. I’m not motivated to do much. It’s the endless wet gloom. Even a peek of sun makes a huge difference in mood and activity. I may soak the orchids, or not. It’s so humid that they aren’t dry. I may push the button on the washer, or wait until it’s full. I made the bed and fed the dogs. Where is spring fever and the desire to dig in the dirt? 

Day 30

Church is on the agenda and that’s all I have planned. Wet again. I may find another place to sort or I may just curl up and watch any old thing on TV. Next week the Giants games will be back! I enjoy baseball. Carol is so tiny and frail. Every time I get to see her, I wonder if it’s the last time. One of the heartrending events of the Eighth decade is the rising amount of sad news about friends.

Last Sunday I sat with Nancy at the museum volunteer lunch provided by the board of directors. When Karen came around with the token gift, a shot glass with Battery Point Lighthouse on it, the subject of collections came up. Nancy admitted to owning 300 plus Barbie dolls, Beanie Babies, and Bears. She said her son would have to decide how to deal with them. I thought about my history with things. We moved so often in my childhood that nothing was ever saved from one place to the next. Often we started in a new city in a hotel, then an apartment, and finally a house just before we moved again. Once we moved five times in one city. My father would not allow taking any possessions we had acquired while there. I never learned to value things. To me, my possessions are useful or gone.

On my 82^nd birthday, my new year’s resolutions included sorting and purging. The urgency seems to be connected to the idea of legacy. What will I leave behind when I exit the earth? I don’t want to leave a mess so it’s up to me to simplify now. After cleaning up after my mother and my son, I know the discomfort of looking through the remains of someone’s life. So, looking around the house I started deeply thoughtful redistributing of the items I have that could be useful to someone else. For all my constant assessments, I do have things that need to be moved on. For example, I have clothing that I haven’t worn in years that I enjoyed having and they now need new closets to adorn. The china and crystal that my mom thought were household staples when I married in 1954 and nobody uses any longer take up cupboard space. Hard to get rid of items that are old and out of date.

The largest collection of personal items I own are old journals and a drawer full of words that nobody will ever read. I am clinging to them, enjoying the old me that appears in print, and hope I will know when to deposit them for disposal so someone else doesn’t have to do it..    

Day 29

Today Carol is bringing me the mailbox key so I can collect mail and papers while they are in Seattle. Carol is fading right down to the bone. I’m afraid she is going to have bad news about her disease. Two of my favorite people are both cancer patients. Meanwhile, I’ll be grateful for my health and won’t whine about hip pain that I can fix. It’s cold and I will get outside and enjoy the one day break in the weather.

March rain gauge to date

Day 28

Noisy night. When the wind and rain are strong enough to wake me up, it’s a storm. Weary, waiting for coffee to snap the synapses. No agenda today. Maybe a bit of slicking up or poking in more corners for items I can pile up for redistribution. I’m enjoying the empty spaces where unused stuff used to collect dust. It is a pleasant chore that leaves me satisfied that my simple life is an authentic way to use my time and space.

Day 27

I have not forgiven Russell for abandoning his father, my son Kim. After talking about it, I don’t want to forgive him. It is an ache for Kim who wanted so much to connect with him. I’m glad that Megan helped with the void. She and her uncle had a good relationship. The massage yesterday sent me to bed for a long deep sleep. I’m grateful. Today is a break in the wet and I will get outside to enjoy it fully.

Day 26

I had a good day and the evidence of  purging is piled around waiting for dispersal to new places. Although I regularly move unused items, there is still a houseful of stuff. It’s a matter of consciously assessing what I need and what can go. Today is conscious aging group and the subject is forgiving old offenses both committed and received. Keeping hurt attitudes can prevent personal growth and improved relationships. Taking responsibility is a sure way to move past old grunts.

Day 25

No vision changes so no new glasses. I saw frames that I liked but didn’t order them at this time. Jake is going to be expensive and I’ll take care of him first. It’s wet and windy. I do have errands early and then in for the thunder showers that are predicted. I have been sorting and purging slowly. There are cards and books that need to go to new places and a chair load of clothing for the used clothes store.

Day 24

Monday again and I’m ready. I have sharp words ready for Jake’s previous person regarding her honesty. I hope to do so in a ladylike fashion however all bets are off. After senior center duty I’ll meet Hollie and off we go to Brookings for my eye appointment. I’m sure I could go by myself and it’s raining so I asked for her help. She is so busy that I felt sorry for adding to her load. She is good to me.

Spring Equinox

My father had two passions: salmon fishing and growing flowers. He was very good at both pursuits. When I was a little girl I wanted to go fishing with him out on Humboldt Bay in his small boat but unfortunately as soon as the waves would move us up and down I was sea sick after about half an hour and he had to bring me back to the beach. I gave up trying after a couple of trips. The salmon steaks were welcome at the dining room table and I was sorry that I couldn’t have been there when he brought them in. I did better with the gardening. I have wonderful memories of following him around while he talked about the plants and instructed me on which were weeds that I could pull out and which were not to be touched. My father had a giant green thumb with fuchsias and begonias. He knew where they would be happy and how to feed and care for them. They seemed to bloom bigger and longer than any other peoples’ plants. Once I asked him his secret and he said he tipped his cigar ashes into the containers. Maybe that was the secret ingredient.

Years later on a visit to Crescent City, my father asked me to show him my garden. Outside were rows of carrots, cabbages, potatoes, chard, onions and a wall of peas. “Where are the flowers?”, he asked. I gave him the cold hard economic facts of being a single parent with three teen-agers. “You can’t eat flowers.” He went to the pea patch and happily munched on the fresh pods. Later, thanks to one of my sons, we had fresh fish, not salmon, for dinner along with the produce from the backyard. I know my father was disappointed that I didn’t have any of the plants that thrive here like the ones he grew so well in Eureka.

Now I have the time and place for growing flowers. Once when I was watering the fuchsias, I swear I smelled cigar smoke. All I know for sure it that the plants were happy and more prolific than ever before. Along with flowers, I still have vegetables: peas, chard, green onions, spinach, and kale are growing in my garden. There is room in my garden for both flowers to nourish my soul and vegetables to nourish my body.

Day 23

I spent the day inert and enjoyed it. Felt good to nap, eat, and watch TV without any need to be productive. Today, after church, is the museum volunteer lunch. They are serving corned beef and cabbage. I enjoy the get-togethers. It’s the only time I get to see the other volunteers. Hollie is feeling overwhelmed with the business of the fire. She has a cold. Not surprised that stress would get to her. I contributed a pot of beans and ham.

Palm of the Hand memoir

Tuesday, while waiting in line at Walgreen’s, I noticed a man at the window waiting for his medications. When he turned around I saw that it was Roger Chindgren. We hugged and did a quick catch-up. Roger was the training officer for the first VIP’s group. At that time Rick Metcalf was chief and he called the group SCOP, for senior citizens on patrol. Mary Stuart recruited me and it was Roger who interviewed me and did the background check. He said my history was a “snore.”  There were at least 12 people in the original group. At first four of us went out together and then broke into twos. Ruby was my partner for a couple of years and then she recruited her friend and wanted her as a partner. At the next meeting, Gene Lyssenko was also looking for a new partner as his moved away. Gene looked around the group and seemed to be looking for another male partner when I spoke up in a tiny voice that I would be his partner. After a pause that seemed hours long, he said, we can try that. It was a great experience and he became a best friend in so many ways. We did an evening tour beginning at four PM that included door shaking and school inspections. In the dark, I got to use the spotlight to look into the dark corners of parking lots and in the cemetery. After speaking with Roger, I realized that I am the only survivor of the original group.

Day 22

Jake has many health issues and I will take care of him. He is registered, licensed, examined, and chipped. I’m going to talk to the former owner about things like honesty. Yesterday was busy with errands and shopping so today I can stay inside and not deal with the incessant rain. I may finally pull out the unworn clothing and decide about the future of many items. Sorting and purging is one of the benefits of aging. Stuff loses importance. Simplicity wins.

Day 21

Dog day. First they go to the groomer for their monthly spa date and they will come home festooned with green ribbons for St. Patrick’s day. While they are there, I’ll make my monthly trot through Walmart for the few items I can’t get anywhere else. Later, Jake will go to the vet for a new dog exam. I’m looking forward to finding out what he needs. I know he will need dental work and that’s expensive. I will keep him anyway.

Day 20

My spring break or strike or whatever is over. I will go to the senior center today and look forward to story/writing group. Sheila is coming to clean the kitchen and bathroom. Later she will tackle the rest. Maybe I’ll get back to enjoying housework, or not. Meanwhile, I’ll get the rest of the jasmine shoved into the green bin and finish sweeping Meg’s deck. It’s nice to see it free of weeds and vines. I tackled the job and did it.

Day19

Friend Ann called to say I missed the best POS in four years. Four hours of bluster and banter that required gaveling by the chair several times. There are two supervisors who have forgotten why they are there and think it’s about themselves. I woke up without a headache for the first time in a week and I’m happy. Today the car gets attention. Later, session three of our conscious aging group. It’s wet again and I fully enjoyed the dry days.

Day 18

The wrecking of the trellis did land me at the chiropractor yesterday and he did a fine job with my neck. Sheila is coming to clean the house. I’ll enjoy another day of sun outside pulling weeds. I’m skipping the board of supervisors meeting. This seems to be a week to break routine as I skipped senior center duty yesterday. Just didn’t want to be there. I might stay home all week! There’s plenty to focus on right here. A spring vacation.

Day 17

I did it! I wrecked the old trellis and pulled up all the jasmine. This morning I’m sore from the effort and feel great. Nothing like a sunny day outside to make a positive attitude. After senior center duty, I will walk to town and take care of errands. The inside of the house could use a surge of domestic energy or a call to Sheila for her help. There is lots to do outside that’s more fun than cleaning the refrigerator.

Day 16

Megan’s in Portland. Hollie’s birthday was celebrated with her friends. She gets to move into an apartment tomorrow for the six to nine months it will take to rebuild her home. Jake is doing okay. He did stay in the dog bed all night and that’s where I want him to sleep, not on my bed with the girls. After church, I will get back to Megan’s yard and work at the project I started yesterday, clearing the jasmine that’s taking over.

Day 15

My baby daughter is 60 years old today. Egads. Seems like a dream and I can relive every minute of her birth. Just the two of us while we waited for her father to break down the door and find us. She has a husband of 36 years and a daughter nearly 34. Time marches on and all that. Jake is fitting in okay. Minnie is still giving him the look and he walks around her carefully. Hoping to be outside again.

Day 14

I said that if another dachshund appeared spontaneously I would consider adoption.  And there was Jake, looking for a home. I brought him here for inspection and Minnie voted grumpy. Della likes him and so do the chugs. We’ll see if he fits in. Today the weather is lighter and I’m looking forward to being outside. I’m hoping for a report from Hollie and Chuck about the insurance people. The process is moving and they get to move out of the motel.

Day 13

The migraine fuzzies are still here. Unusual to have it last so long. Yesterday was okay and the group was good. The subject was self-talk and self-compassion that led to interesting conversations and histories. I told my “even though” remedy to negative thoughts. Meg’s wait time at last chance was lowered allowing her to keep her schedule. Today is senior center duty and how I would love to see weather that would allow for a walk! It’s damp and gloomy outside now. 

Day 12

Now another glitch in routine for Megan. Last Chance Grade has degraded again and is closed from 8 PM until 7 AM making her commute into a mess as she has classes from 9 to 9. So, she will have to stay down from Sunday afternoon until Thursday morning. She does have places to stay and that’s the only good news.  I had big old migraine in the night and I’m fuzzy this morning. It’s day 2 of the conscious aging group.

Day 11

No walk yesterday and likely not today. This dark, cold and wet stretch is depressing, along with waking at mid night and then up at 4:30. I’m feeling guilty in my warm whole home thinking of Hollie and Chuck’s uncomfortable life. They are trying to find a place to stay as the reconstruction will take months. Duty at the center provides distraction. I invest a lot of energy in my job of making people feel connected to the place and each other.

Day 10

Cold to the bone. Enough already! Meg and I collected boxes and took them to the house. I couldn’t stay inside because of the smell. I waited outside and we talked there. Both Chuck and Hollie look more than fatigued and they were headed for a meal and the motel. I’ll ask around for a furnished place for them. They need help moving the house contents to the storage unit. After senior center duty, I may get a brisk walk between showers.

Day 9

I had a normal day and grateful for it. Megan and I went to the farm stand and brought home fresh vegetables. Today is raining, windy, and cold again. It’s feeling like an endless winter with another whole week of wet and gloomy coming up. Added to the family events, it could be depressing. I asked Chuck and Hollie to come and stay here as they can’t find a furnished place to stay. We could make that work. It’s what family does.

Day 8

The week caught up with me yesterday and I was a zero. It was an eventful time with lots of emotional situations from the family dinner at Hollie’s house last Saturday, to Sunday for church and chocolate cake, to the message, “Mom, come to the ER.”, to the political activism, Ash Wednesday, the elder circle program, regular duties, story group, and the customary routine. The fire is a major loss and will take months to rebuild. Today I will fill yesterday’s agenda. 

Day 7

Hollie isn’t sleeping or eating. She has a haunted look from the replays in her mind. It will take time to wear out the terror. Chuck discovered more damage in the attic of the main house so it will take even longer to restore normality. Today I will concentrate on what I can fix since I’m not qualified for Wonder Woman status just yet. Story group was its usual close and connected self. It is often the high point in my week.

Day 6

Yesterday was busy and productive. Two walks and PT exercises helped my body. Ash Wednesday service helped my soul. The elder circle helped my emotional life with the connections that formed quickly. Today will be busy too. It’s senior center day followed by story group. Hollie and I texted yesterday. She spent the day quietly resting. I hope it helped her trauma. I may see them today but tomorrow for sure. The sun is out and it’s cold. Good for brisk walking.

Day 5 Ash Wednesday

The meeting was a tribute to activism. They were able to table the negative letter to the governor about SB54. Lots of advocacy for the undocumented workers in the county. Hollie seems more herself due to work on the clean-up at the house. I know that working around a disaster gives back the feeling of control over ones life. The insurance is helping. They found a cabin in Hiouchi to stay in rather than the motel. She needs to fix real food.

The Lenten Season brings practices such as fasting and abstinence, Bible reading, and works of mercy. There are other ways of observing Lent. One way would be to keep a carbon fast by consciously using resources sparingly: walking when possible, buying less and choosing less packaging, and making sure that household uses of energy are conserved.  Another way it to remember that our bodies are God’s temples and respect that temple with extra self-care such as regular exercise, nutritious food choices, and expressing gratitude for this wonderful masterpiece that is a gift from God.

Years ago Millicent Niesen, a long-time member of St. Paul’s congregation, was worrying about what to sacrifice for Lent. She already lived a simple life filled service. She called herself “a feeder” and indeed she did feed many people. I reminded her that she had a box full of poems that she had written over the years. “Your poetry is a gift from God. How about putting the poems together and making a book that you can copy and give to your family on Easter Sunday.”  She did and it was a wonderful collection of her life experiences and deep insights. That’s an example of doing something rather than deleting a behavior or activity. It’s a time when homelessness is an issue. One way to help is to visit a thrift store that supports the homeless. Take something that can be resold and buy something that someone else donated. Keep the need in mind when buying groceries and take an extra portion to a shelter. Here in Del Norte, take contributions to Daily Bread Ministries. Donating is an easy way to support those who need it most. There is also a womens’ shelter where children are often residents too. Take games, coloring books, read a story, or listen to their stories.

There is much more to keeping Lenten disciplines than extra prayers or giving up a food item or entertainment.